those voices of insecurity

I am constantly amazed at how new and deeper layers of the same old thing just keep popping up.  I figured that out a long time ago, but somehow i just sit in awe every time I start to hear those old thought patterns creep in again.  It would be really easy for me to just go into the pattern that I used to go into: hear the thoughts and believe them--let them take me on an emotional journey into self-doubt and shame.  It's interesting how seductive that path of ease can be, even though I know from deep in my bones that it's something that is harmful to me--that those thoughts and emotions no longer serve me.

These days I (usually) can catch myself starting down that road before the energy gets too strong to resist getting swept away by it.  It can actually be a little amusing and curious to see the old patterns present themselves--it can be kind of fun to see how a little comment inside your head could easily spiral into a reaction process that could take days to get through.  It's a lot more fun if you can see it and feel it without letting that process HAPPEN--but even if it does, at least you can be aware of the process and fascinated by it.

Doing something new always seems to spark that voice of insecurity inside of me, so deciding to teach a class that is different than the classes I have taught before makes me feel a little vulnerable.  I watch the people around me who are just AMAZING teachers and the comparisons start.  And I can feel how my body reacts to the self-shaming, how it contracts.  And how that contraction gives my mind permission to start bringing up other ways to be self-critical.  I actually started laughing when I watched the latest of these thought processes.  As I rolled out of bridge pose I heard, "I can feel my scoliosis.  My body is defective too." 

Amazing.

So what is cool about observing that process is that I could really see that I had a choice to laugh off the thoughts that came up and choose to listen to different ones, or I had the choice to believe them and fuel the old pattern.  And I also had the choice to beat myself up over still HAVING these thoughts or to be grateful and celebrate this amazing opportunity to let some of the energy behind those patterns burn off.

Not really a very difficult choice...